Escaping the Rat Race and Living a Full Life Beyond Identity Crisis (Watch Before Your Next Big Move)
Listen to the episode on Spotify and Apple Podcasts | Watch on YouTube
Listen to the episode on Spotify and Apple Podcasts| Watch on YouTube
“Easily one of the most exponential things I did for my career was join communities” - Bea Arthur
Bea Arthur, LMHC is a Columbia University-trained psychotherapist, award-winning entrepreneur, TEDx speaker, and true pioneer in the field of mental health. Bea has been named an Entrepreneur to Bet On by Newsweek Magazine and one of the 100 Most Inspirational New Yorkers by Bumble.
Bea shared her career as a social worker, where she served addicts in recovery, survivors of domestic violence, and students in the New York City public school system.
She’s always been passionate about lifting people up and decided to scale this gift in the tech world. In 2011, her career took off at the intersection of psychology and technology, when her first startup Pretty Padded Room competed on ABC’s Shark Tank, which put “online therapy” on the map! In 2014, she became the first African-American female founder accepted by Y Combinator accelerator program.
8 years ago, she launched her second startup called The Difference, which was the very first Alexa Skill for easy access therapy.
Now, she’s a first-time author. Her book “The White Man Within”, where she tells her story, how she created her own path to success, and how you can too! Bea, welcome to the show.
Connect with Bea Arthur
LinkedIn → https://www.linkedin.com/in/beaarthur/
Website → http://www.beaarthurtherapy.com
Book Website → https://www.thewhitemanwithin.com/
Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/bbarthur/
Book Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thewhitemanwithin/
Connect with Naomi Haile
Website → https://www.naomihaile.com/
Sign up to my Newsletter → https://powerofwhy.kit.com/57ca5180df
Purchase the Purpose Canvas to ensure your dreams have an action plan → https://naomiahaile.gumroad.com/l/purposecanvas
This episode is for you if:
You built something that looked successful from the outside and still felt like you were failing on the inside
You've been told to "work hard" your whole career and are starting to wonder if that advice was ever actually true for the people who told you
You're weighing a move — a new city, a new country, a lower cost of living — because your current environment is costing you more than money
You've been the person everyone leans on and are trying to figure out how to stop operating at a deficit
You're building something around your own expertise and haven't fully separated your worth from whether it succeeds
Looking for a specific gem?
00:00 Welcome and introduction to Bea Arthur
05:54 Origin story: Ghanaian immigrant family raised in Houston
09:29 How Bea went from real estate to becoming a therapist
11:18 Kicked out of school for "talking back"
14:54 What made her write the book “The White Man Within” now
15:30 Conforming inside the tech world's unequal rules
19:xx Founder vs. CEO?
21:10 Analyze vs. act
24:21 Starting Building Pretty Padded Room across state lines anyway
25:04 Being in charge of change instead of reacting to it
26:43 The professional identity crisis after two companies
30:16 Tuning into your own frequency over outside noise
33:xx "Strong Seed, Wrong Soil" and the cost of the wrong environment
36:13 Her actual morning practice
38:19 Why Mexico City lowered her stress and sped up the her book writing process
42:23 "Data, not damage" and her father's story about racism in 1980s Texas
45:18 "This is a station, not the destination"
46:00 Embracing not having all the answers. Bea talks about being a co-creator, not controller
48:31 Performing less and allowing the messy middle
51:25 Reframing "everything happens for a reason"
53:31 The matriarchy reframe (love instead of suffering)
55:42 Doing more of what makes you happy
56:20 Where to find Bea and her book online
Conversation Transcript
Naomi Haile
Bea is a Columbia University-trained psychotherapist, an award-winning entrepreneur, a TEDx speaker, and a true pioneer in the field of mental health. Bea has been named an entrepreneur to vet on by Newsweek and one of the 100 most inspirational New Yorkers by Bumble. B started her career as a social worker, where she served addicts in recovery, survivors of domestic violence, and students in the New York City public school system.
She's always been passionate about lifting people up, and decided to scale her gift in the tech world in 2000. 11, her career took off at the intersection of psychology and tech when her first startup, Pretty Padded Room, which is such a great name, competed on ABC Shark Tank, which put online therapy on the map. And in 2014, she became the first African American female founder accepted by Y Combinator Accelerator Program.
If you know, you know. So eight years ago, she launched her second startup called The Difference, which was the very first Alexa skill for easy access therapy. And now, boom boom, she is a first time author. So her book is called The White Man Within, where she tells her story how she first how she created her own path to success, and how you can too. So, B, welcome to the show. I'm glad we're we're doing this again.
I'd love for you to get started by sharing a little bit about your origin story and how you grew up.
Bea Arthur
Yes, well, thank you for having me, and thank you for reminding me who I am. I know as ambitious women, we all get on track. This country, this culture tries to tell us it's not enough. What we've done is not enough. But if you are a brown woman, a woman, period, there's still places where you're not allowed to read. So be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. Be amazed by yourself, and and anything's possible.
And that is the goal of my book, The White Man Within to stop living a life of limits and like putting yourself in a box? And we live in this prism of isms: racism, sexism, ageism. But all that's made up. Somebody else made that up. You can make up your own messaging, your own motivation, and that's what I did. So, how did I begin, little BEA. Arthur? There is another BEA. Arthur. You may have heard of her. She's a lot more legendary, but yeah, I'm a first generation American.
My family is from Ghana and West Africa, and Ghanaians are very religious, very hardworking, and very believing in education. And my parents came here to make a difference. They didn't want to hear no excuses. They weren't allowed to have excuses, so we raised with a lot of discipline. Unfortunately, I was raised with a lot of Americans, meaning I got that flavor of entitlement, and you know that capitalism, that greed planted in me very early, and that's kind of where the origins of my book, The White Man Within, came.
I started out in gifted and talented programs, but I was very what's the word rambunctious, rebellious. I talked back a lot, but I made good grades. So to the point that by the time it was time to graduate college, I was like, "Get me the fuck up out of Texas! Texas is a great place to grow up. Beyonce is from Houston. Megan The Stallion, Lizzo, Solange, NASA, all the baddies are from Houston, Texas. It's in particular for representation.
A lot of middle and upper class brown and black people, and also my mother is an entrepreneur. My both of my parents have postgraduate degrees, so there wasn't anything in my mind that made me feel small. Everything seemed possible to me, except I wasn't being treated that way. I was always getting in trouble at church, at school. I got kicked out of my first high school for talking back all the time. And interestingly enough, I always think things work out for me.
Every time something bad has happened to me, I always say like, "Don't let your pain be in vain. If you're going to go through hell, get something for the gift shop. And every time something has bad has happened to me, I just reset, reflect, and I just go in the other direction. Houston was really hard on me as a young kid who like was supposed to, you know, had a lot of energy, but was told to like stop talking so much, stop being so much, stop, you know.
And then once I went to undergrad, I went to undergrad in Boston at Emerson College for broadcast journalism, and once I got there, it all fell off. I was doing internships, I was making good grades because people got out of my way, and I could get out of my own way. I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted to do, but people were always telling me not to do that. And like I said, my white man was like, "Stop telling me what to do.
And so I just did what I wanted to do. So I went to college. I did like how cold Boston was. So then I went to study abroad. I got to move to Spain. I got engaged. I became fluent in Spanish, and that's why Estrella key in Mexico. And yeah, then I went to France. Then I went to London. I just kept studying abroad because it was cheaper than the American school system. I graduated. I didn't want to leave Europe, but I did because I think I got deported and in London.
And I said, "Well, what's what? I'm about to go back to Texas, so I moved to New York. I was very ambitious, but I didn't know what I wanted to do, so I crashed and burned a lot. I was in real estate. I was at. I worked at Bloomberg. I temped a lot. I worked in art galleries. I just kept trying, and finally, I figured out that what was really good for me was client-facing roles, because when I was in real estate, I really believe in the low pressure sell.
Like I just like to kick it. Like that's the secret to my success. I'm just cool to kick it with, and I would get a lot of referral. Also, I'm mad nosy, so I am an immigrant. Immigrants are very nosy. We love to gossip, and I would just be like, oh, when I was in real estate, I was like, do you really think you want to live with him? Like, oh, do you really think you want to have kids with her? Like, think about your future.
And you know, buying real estate is a very personal experience. And because I would really help people, I didn't care about the sell. I kept care about you getting in the right place. I would get a lot of referrals, and all my coworkers would be like, "How are you? You don't even come to work on time. How are you getting so many referrals? And one of my clients said, "It's because people like and trust you. You're easy to talk to.
You should be a therapist. And I took that every time. Like life is sending you signals. Like really pay attention when something makes you speechless, especially if you're a yapper. If something makes you still pay attention to that, and I shadowed one class at Columbia University. My friend Jasmine was also in real estate. It was the only school I applied to, I got in, and that is where I was meant to be. That's where I really started my foundation in New York City as a therapist.
Naomi Haile
Wow, I love what you said about if something stops you and makes you speechless, pay attention to what that is. You've done so many different things. You've seen so many different parts of the world. When your friend said that to you initially, had that ever crossed your mind? I want to be a therapist growing up, you know, growing up, being raised in Houston, and just seeing so many different aspects of what work can look like.
Did that ever cross your mind on your own without that external nudge to to check it out?
Bea Arthur
Actually, looking back, yes. So, like I mentioned, I was like I wasn't a troubled child, but by African standards, you know, like your parents, you're supposed to cook and clean and work and respect your parents and go to church, and I wasn't trying to hear all that, you know. I wanted to party, you know, wanted like you know party with the white boys, and so when I was getting in trouble a lot, the school was that before they kicked me out, they were like, "You need to get on your daughter needs to get on antidepressants, or we're going to kick her out.
Because I was there on magnet, like I was in zone to that school. And my parents, we have businesses in Houston, we have assisted living centers with elderly and mentally retarded adults. They've seen the effects that medication abused overuse can have on people's personality, minds, development. Especially, I was really young. They really didn't want me to, but the schools that I was going to get kicked out if they didn't take my outburst seriously.
I was just talking back a lot, and this is one of the reasons I wanted to disrupt the mental health industry because they diagnosed me as having bipolar disorder. They said I had something called oppositional defiant disorder, and looking back, I'm like, wait, so every kid who questions authority is mentally ill. You know, you're telling me I'm gifted and talented, but I'm also just because like I'm talking back. We could have done smaller schools, anyways. It was really tough my parents because, as I mentioned, African parents are strict and expect excellence. But it was even harder for me. You know what I mean? Like they didn't know how to deal with me, but neither did I. And now that I'm older, you know, again, I wasn't getting pregnant.
I wasn't selling Molly. I tried selling Molly, but I wasn't good at it because I just gave it away. But I wasn't like one of those troubled children. I was just had a lot of emotions. So when I got into Columbia, I specifically wanted to study adolescent psychology. I worked in the New York City public school system. I wanted to work with actual kids because hormones are no joke. Like we don't factor it in as part of like the mental health journey.
But ask any pregnant woman, ask a kid going through puberty, ask anybody going through menopause. Hormones affect how you are, and you know y'all can't tell, but I'm like a very busty lady, and so my hormones came through hard and really affected me and affected my energy and my environment, and so I was really glad to actually learn what was wrong with me and how I didn't have to make things so hard on myself and the people I cared about.
So I was definitely meant to be in the mental health world in the healing space because I love people. I have so much, um, what's the word? I have so much love for young B, you know, she didn't want to be getting in trouble. She didn't want to disappoint her parents. She didn't want to disrespect, you know, her Sunday school teachers. She just wanted to be heard, you know. And so that's, I think, everybody deserves to be heard on a bad day, on a good day, to be fully seen, to be fully themselves.
Like that is just so beautiful for me, and I want everybody to have that. So yeah, mental health. That was a full circle moment. Getting in that place and being able to change the future of mental health, because back then therapy was only meant to be for rich people or truly crazy people. And yeah, like that says anything that happened to me, I don't want it to happen to anybody else. And yeah, so God put me there to do my thing and make a difference for people with too many feelings.
Naomi Haile
You know, I never heard articulate why you ended up in this space and why your mission is so strong. But there are so many children. I mean, even my brother, like on a personal note, even my brother was made to feel like he couldn't express himself in certain ways. Kids have lots of energy, you know, and so I think the immediate, especially for Black kids, the immediate this is what you are, and this is the container that you need to operate in is so detrimental.
Speaker 1 14:54 Yeah, but having you being able to support other kids, you mentioned I mentioned earlier in your bio. In the New York public school system, and just every everywhere that you've taken this conversation in tech in different spaces is is phenomenal. And so, for you right now, you have started a new journey, and you're on a new season of being a writer. You know, I'm sure you've always had that in you, just your perception of the world and wanting to make meaning out of it.
What drew you to really wanting to write this book now and in this period?
Bea Arthur
Yes, so I, like I said, I just think it feels so good to be yourself. And even though I'm very myself and very authentic, I really was conforming and contorting when I enter the tech world, you know, I foolishly believe in equality. I was like, yeah, if I work hard and I follow these rules, I can have the Mark Zuckerberg plan. I could be on the Elon Dust pad, and this is one of the key things: the rules that we are taught as women and people of color are not the same rules that they follow at the top.
Spiritually, we believe that you know what's below doesn't know what's above, but what's above knows what's below, and that is real because again, if you were taught to just come to America, work hard, study, you'll be successful, never complain, that is not how the world works. So I'm really lucky. I did my thing. You know, my first company was pretty padded room. We were on Shark Tank. We're on NPR. Think about the difference.
I got to work with Amazon and MetLife, Sonos, Forbes. I've done a lot, and it was just from continually going after what I wanted. In my case, especially ignorance was bliss. I when I applied to Shark Tank, I had never seen a single episode. When I applied to Y Combinator, I hadn't heard of it. So for me, it wasn't as intimidating. I didn't believe that I couldn't have it again. I have always thought that I can and should have whatever I wanted.
I mean, that's my white man within. Like, I think I'm so greedy. God gave me really hungry eyes. So, like everything I say, I'm like, yeah, I want it, and I should have that. And so, when people were trying to keep me out of places, I was always confused. Like, what's going on? But my time in the startup world, even though I did my thing, was very, I would say, spiritually and emotionally injurious. You know, you take a lot of hits on your heart, on your confidence.
You're really confused because you're doing everything right and still not seeing the same results as your non-melanin friends. And you know, I don't like to rely on racism or sexism because I've overcome it. But it is an actual. It can be an actual barrier. And worse, it really messes with your head, because when you are a business person, you really tie your self worth to your work. And if you're not advancing as much as you should, and especially in a place like New York, all of my friends raised money, most of my friends have done TED talks.
You know, it will make you feel like you're so small, which is a real mindfuck. You are out here on stages your ancestors could have never dreamed of, and it's still not enough by business standards, by San Francisco standards. By the time last year, when the last two years were tough, I had a really intense professional identity crisis because I've only done mental health, I've only done startups, and slowly I just realized it wasn't fulfilling me anymore.
I was miserable. I was accomplishing a lot. I got to fly my parents to Hawaii. I was working with really big time people. The NFL hit me up. The government hit me up. HBO hit me up, and I was like so exhausted. And I was like, damn, like maybe business is just for men, you know? Like, like because they're like, I have like male problems and I have women problems. You know what I mean? Like, was feminism wrong and capitalism right?
Should I have just gone to the gym instead of grad school? You know, why am I working so hard and so fucking miserable? And then I had asked around, so like as a therapist, people will say fucked up shit to you about their own lives, about you, all sorts of stuff. You have to take it personally. So I actually really appreciate when people say problematic things about me because I think you can learn something from anyone, and not just problematic things about me, but problematic things in general.
And a one time, a very wealthy man said to me, "He goes, I'm going to tell you a secret. Only poor people work hard. He's like, "This is something everybody knows. You know, if you were born generationally, you have assets. You can live off your stocks. Like, and and then I talked to some of my other friends about it. Just like, again, anything that makes me speechless makes me still. I asked somebody else about it, and one of my investors was like, "Yeah, you know, like I've always wondered why you're always working so hard.
He's like, "I'm also a CEO, but I have 13 people beneath me, and they have their own teams, right? I just approve and manage budgets. He's like, "You still work a lot, you know? He's like, "You're more of a founder than a CEO. And then I asked another bro, "These white men be really preaching sometimes. They got gems if you let them, and he was like, "Yeah, you know, we we raised 10 million, and then I just hired a CEO.
I'm just like strategically there, you know. And again, it's really important to just like pay attention to how you're moving and how things are. You have to get onto the page of how things are because the more you resist, the more you're like holding yourself back. So you have to just accept what things are. Maybe it shouldn't be that way. Maybe there should be pedophiles as presidents, but that's what it is, right?
Like you have to like the first step is awareness and acceptance, and then you can adjust accordingly. Then I started moving like a white man, and like it was just a whole different movie. It was just a lot less friction, a lot more understanding, and yeah, I just don't want anybody. To suffer the way I did, you know, being the good girl and trying to play your role, improve yourself is exhausting. There is no reward for suffering, but there is a reward for capitalism.
Yeah, and it's very sexy getting money. I wish more bitches got money, you know, and that's what I'm trying to do with the book.
Naomi Haile
So you mentioned moving like a white man and essentially rewriting the rules that you've been trained and most people are trained on. If you were like, and what I think is also interesting is that you're pulling from so many different aspects of the lives you've lived, right? Because you've been in so many different spaces. So as you know, a therapist who has like incredible listening skills, and you're able to see things that may not be obvious to most people, you know, as a black woman, as a builder, what does it mean to move like a white man?
If you can go in greater detail, and how did you rewrite your own rules for what it means to do things the way that you want to, ultimately with the goal of living a better life, like living a higher quality life.
Bea Arthur
Yes, living the life you want and you deserve. You know, like nobody gets to say because you're a black woman you can't be successful. I just don't believe that. You know, I just don't believe that no one gets to say, "Oh, well, only 2.2% of Black women can raise money. Okay, well that's not my experience because guess what? I I've raised money. You know, I've raised over a billion dollars. I'm one of 0.2% So statistically, I'm impossible, and yet here I am, girl bossing it, Rick Rossing.
You see me? It's possible, and I think what it is is when I say it moves like a white man, and not just a white man, any man. Unfortunately, and I love you, men don't come for me. But what I've observed when it comes to the way women think and operate, and the way men think and operate, is women analyze and men act. Women analyze and men act. There's a lot of overthinking. There's a lot of okay, I have to come in this way.
Oh, I should ask this person. This has to be perfect. Versus, you will get a lot more times at bat by just walking up to the bat and trying. Men tend to have a higher risk tolerance, and unfortunately, women are very community minded and empathy minded. And being a man means just not thinking about other people. You know, Oh my god! If you want to do something, you don't do it. You don't go, oh, you know, my mom has that thing that day, or oh, well, my wife did say I should come home after work.
It's like that's just being a little selfish and self-centered. And this is the secret of the patriarchy. They're not actually self-centered. The culture has centered them, has put them in the place where they are at the top of the pyramid, and that's all they see. What's above? What's possible? You know, if you're on the ground, you're still trying to figure out how to get up the mountain. That's survival. You know, we're evolving up here.
That it's when you're in rare air, you see how people move. It just moves a lot easier because there's more green lights, there's more opportunities versus so many people are just surviving. Like, how can I pay rent next month? How can I? You can't dream. You know, I've had two companies not work out, two of my own and one of somebody else's. Right? Think about that. Like, I have had companies be negative, and I've also had to support myself and travel around the world and things like that.
Most people at the top do that. You know, like Facebook didn't make a single dollar of revenue for five years-not profit revenue-for five years. They had the freedom to dream. They had the freedom to build. They had the support, and that is something that a lot of women don't have. Right? You're just like stuck on the stock trying to make things happen. You're spread really wide instead of building tall. You know, and so once you see that, that's how things are actually accomplished-not by working hard and sacrificing.
That's the last man who sacrificed was Jesus Christ, and that was what 2026 years ago. It's not a real thing, ladies. Stop listening. Stop make everybody try to think you have to behave. That's not really how it is. Like nobody becomes successful by behaving and following the rules. So yeah, when I started Pretty Padded Room, everybody said, "Oh, it's illegal to practice about state lines across state lines, and I was like, "Okay, well, that's what I'm going to do though.
And nothing happened, nothing bad happened, and literally started that company in 2010, 2011. It was other therapists being like, "You can't do that in case of crisis. And now, 15 years later, online therapy is the norm. I invented that.
Naomi Haile
The norm.
Bea Arthur
I invented that. I was there. I said, "This needs to exist. I need it. I want it, and I should have whatever I want. I genuinely believe that. That's programming in me. I think that you have to program yourself with your own beliefs because otherwise, you will just stay stuck in what already exists. Like we are here to evolve. That's a point of life. Life is change. Change is good. Life is good, and that's my model.
Naomi Haile
Yeah, and if yeah, if there's a resistance around change is good, people won't be able to build the lives they want because that is the only that is the. Only constant, and you are seeing it especially right now.
Bea Arthur
And you might as well be in charge of the change instead of being reactive and letting things happen. And now your life looks limited, you know. Like now, women don't have as many rights. Now we don't have as many voting rights. Now you know what I mean. And
Naomi Haile
don't just roll back, be
Bea Arthur
literally rolled back. And so I, so I reject that. And I moved to Mexico. They've got a lady president. She's pretty cool. You know what I mean? Like we options are the key to freedom. True freedom are having agency and control in your life. And right now things feel so out of control. So that's why sometimes, even though my book is called The White Man Within, my first principle is decenter the default. Doing things that way is not going to get you your way, and that is the goal you want your way.
Not from a child perspective, but your life should be the way you want. Like right now, everybody in content calls themselves a creator because they are creating their own worlds, and I think that everybody should be blessed. If you are blessed with a free country, free country, and education and opportunity, you owe it to the odds to do that. We are from first generation from African country. There are places women's clitorises are scraped off.
They don't have school fees to go to school. Both of my parents weren't allowed to go to school. They had their we had other relatives make it possible. When I go back to Ghana, there are girls that are prettier than me and nicer than me and smarter than me and more hardworking than me, and yet they will not have the opportunities that I have. So if you have any opportunity, just any angle, make it through. Go through that door.
Don't be afraid of it. Nothing bad will happen to you. Only bad things will happen to you if you stay prescribed to the life that's been prescribed for you. And I just don't believe in that.
Naomi Haile
For those who are listening that have done everything quote unquote technically right and are still unsatisfied,
Bea Arthur
lying, disappointed, burned out. That was me, baby.
Naomi Haile
Like dysregulated. The list goes on and on, right?
Bea Arthur
Yeah, it's endless. Yeah, it's a mistake to contort and conform yourself. You will be misshapen. You will be misformed. You will not be in your true self if you are trying to be in this little box. So I think it's a beautiful thing. It's an important thing that happens. Life and death happen at the same time, but there is always life after that. And you know what? The same thing I wanted at 20 is not the same thing I wanted at 30.
I'm 42 now. I do not want the same things I want when I'm 22. So sometimes, unfortunately, for things to end, they have to end badly. You know, so even if it feels very painful or betrayal, or you got burnt out, or I mean, I know plenty of people, Microsoft, Google, you know, they did everything right. They climbed the ladder, you know, and now they're getting unceremoniously fired, and they got mortgages and a lifestyle and kids, you know, in like private school and stuff, and they've never been entrepreneurs, and they don't know what to do.
Now, me, I'm always eat. You know, I'm pretty sure I was a big cat in my last life. I'm a hunter. This is another man mindset that I have. I don't wait to eat. I'm, I'm a, I'm will always eat, and I know that about myself. It's really important to develop that hunger. It's really important to develop that hunger, but only for what you want, not because somebody said you should have two kids in a picket fence, not because somebody said you have to be like a group girl and faithful.
I do what I want. You do what you want. That is the point of being here, ladies, fellas, they them's find your desire. One of my favorite books is this book called Unbound: A Woman's Guide to Power and she literally says, "Your desire is your destiny. Not everybody wants the same thing, so if there's been a desire or a dream in your heart, you have a responsibility to go after it, and that feels good. I have lots of regrets in my career.
I raised a lot of money. I made a lot of money. I should have kept a lot more for myself, but I was obsessed with that business. I sacrificed a lot. That's what sacrifice means to make it sacred. So make it worth it. Life is hard. I'm making it sound easy. Like I can look back on it, and I did a lot. It was brutal. Hourly, you are rejected, and you still have to smile and show up and perform and be a good manager friend.
I was a horrible. I was good manager. Horrible friend. Horrible girlfriend. I've only been faithful to one person my whole life, kind of horrible sister. You know what I mean? That really was a shitty friend. Just and once those companies go away, all that I had was my friends and family, you know. And and and this is something. No, I know it's called the white man with them, but at the end, I really do lean into a women's way of doing things.
What would a matriarchy look like? And I think that we have to prioritize our relationships because, as you see, the confidence of a white man is unearned. Trump is not acting like a truly confident person, insecure, loudmouth, lying all the time. You know, so even with everything, even Elon Musk is like, yeah, I guess money doesn't buy you happiness. He has all these kids, all these businesses, and he apparently doesn't have any real funds.
He finds his joy trolling on Twitter. I would not trade a trillion dollars for that kind of life. It's kind of sad because, unfortunately, when we talk about centering men, they are raised in dominance. They are raised to be stable and to be selfish. No society can survive like that. So women are raised to be caring. Complicated and complex. In order to support their messed up mentality, that it's all about being selfish.
But we humans are tribal creatures. We are here to be together. Humans are the only animals that deny their instincts, and that's why I'm saying: pay attention to your dreams and desires. Pay attention to the voices. Pay attention to the things that make you pay attention. You know, coincidences are God's way of saying anonymous. And so, whenever you get this signal, like tune into that frequency. That's another one of my mottos.
Really feed that frequency wherever feels good. Spend more time there. Don't get back on your phone. Don't be like, oh, I should be you know making content because someone said they should. Do what you want to do. Like that is the biggest privilege, even more than white privilege, to be able to do what you want to do and be proud of that. So I have regrets about how I did my career, but I'm really proud that I did what I want to do and I made it all happen.
And that's what gave me my confidence. I'm a I'm a goddess out here. I can do whatever I want.
Naomi Haile
I love that. Believe
Bea Arthur
in yourselves, kids. Yeah.
Naomi Haile
When people think about patriarchy, you'd mentioned things like dominance, competition, linear thinking-it is very harmful to society. And all the isms that you mentioned at the top of this conversation all track back to the patriarchy. Speaking to community, like you talk a lot about how we're not supposed to be out here trying to figure these things out on our own. Just the value of community, the value of relationships, the value of collaboration, because as much as the system harms women, it also harms men.
It harms everybody. How do you look at playing within the system, but also making sure that those around you can see their light and just tune back into who they are and just have self awareness. Really, at the at the end of the day,
Bea Arthur
yes, that's a good question. Like you said, it is harmful to everybody. Men commit 80% of homicides and 80% of suicides. You know, like I said, I've embodied a man. It is a lot of pressure to be constantly performing, constantly providing, feeling like a human ATM. Like I've had employees treat me like I only started this company to pay their mortgage. You know, it doesn't feel good, right? But they put themselves in a place where you know everybody looks to them.
But if we share the load, you know, if we share the load, it's a lot more sustainable. It's infinitely scalable. That's why the it all goes together. In Spanish, we're here in Mexico. In Spanish, they have a saying that says "Dolor compartida es dolor de vida, which means "pain shared is pain had. We're not meant to do all this stuff, and you will break. You will break, y'all, easily. One of the most exponential things I did for my career was join communities.
You and I are both a part of the list. Shout out to the list, and I've been a member since my-I mean, God, my very first before I'd even gone on Shark Tank, and I would not be here without those women. It was just women. It was a free platform at the time, and it was just women who were in careers. And they like to say that women are competitive and catty. Again, that's a man thing. Don't project that to us. Not on this side.
Everybody is so supportive, and it may have been because we weren't competing. We were all either entrepreneurs or creatives, so we all had our own things. We we didn't, but we wanted the same thing for each other. And as you know, when you see a boss bitch, you know she's been through a lot. You know we exist in this currently, and so there was a lot of like, I understand what you're going through. I don't want you to go through that.
That investor is going to waste your time. That investors are going to try to rape you. Like, was a lot of looking out for each other, and then also we just respect. You know, part of my story is that I'm an immigrants kid. I, even though I burnt out, and I don't think we should be working as hard as we're working. I and so similarly, I think women would see somebody. You know what? You're doing your thing. Let's collab on something.
Would not have gotten on any of those things without mentorship, community, co-working. So yeah, please join a community. It doesn't even have to be formal. It definitely doesn't have to be paid. But you know, like your environment is your algorithm. It's a really nourish your soil. Chapter in my book called "Strong Seed, Wrong Soil. In the startup world, they just only saw me as a black girl. Period. It didn't matter that I was making 50,000 a month.
It didn't matter that I'd gotten press without paying. It didn't matter that I had got Amazon and Google without an enterprise salesperson. They still were just like, okay, yeah, but you know, I don't get it. You know, you're a black girl, whatever. Well, guess what? Not all men are like that, you know, and not all men are in power. There are people who just see me for what I have to offer, which is good. You know, make sure you're good.
Make sure you're proud of what you do, and make sure you're aligned with the goal, so you have to really tune out all the noise of the system. Some sometimes, and so I would say to anybody being like, "How do I stay aligned? How do I stay fulfilled? You really have to tune out the noise and really reconnect with your source. The fruits start at the root, so clean out any like bad messaging, any fears, any self-limiting beliefs, things that are no longer working for you.
If it doesn't fit, leave it. You don't have to carry everything with you everywhere, you know. So like, you know, look to the light, look to your goals, and just like let that lead you. It's like a very, you know, we talk about push pull. It's a very led way to be. You know, I wake up and. You know, my north star is I want to have peace. I want to have pleasure. I want to have fun. You know, and it's very easy to edit my day according to that.
Not everything is fun, but I'm like, oh, you know, I guess I do have to pay my taxes if I want this next. You know, you know, little things. Then that's worth it. Anything else? Stop doing all these little tasks that add up and they don't lead you to where you want to go. Be led. Be led, and be led by yourself, not outside systems or voices.
Naomi Haile
I'm so curious, B, because when you mentioned like you don't have to carry everything with you wherever you go, it it made me think about the daily practice and almost that hygiene of wellness and making sure that you're filling your cup and you're well. Like I interviewed someone last week for the podcast, and we talked all about financial wellness. And then I interviewed somebody else, and we talked about physical wellness and like strength building.
And so, from a mental health perspective and overall well being, and just you tuning into one voice. What is your daily practice for staying grounded and not being swept up by every single thing that is out there?
Bea Arthur
Yeah, I mean, I I should give you all good advice. Like, don't look at your phone first thing in the morning. You know, work out, do breath work. I I could tell you that somebody else told you that though, and I'm going to tell you my truth. So I am a really big believer in. I don't call it a morning meditation. I don't call it anything, but I really like to start the day slow. And I'm aware that that's a privilege.
I really like to start the day slow. I don't like to let other voices in, so I like to look at Pinterest. This is my own hack. There's a lot of pretty things on there. Printer, stop putting AI on there because it's kind of ruining the experience. But I like to, you know, I have my own mood boards, I have my vision boards there, I have my goals there. I also really like, you know, I hate how Apple steals our data, but I love how they put together those movies and feature memories because you know the last 10 years was a blur.
I was really grinding. I was really grinding. I'm still forgiving myself for that. But I love those pictures because they show me that I still had a good time. I still traveled. I still went to shows my nieces and nephews were born. All my lovers that I've had. I still had a lot of fun, and those literally help me remind me who I am. Again, I really have to constantly remind myself that I am not my work. My value is in my person.
My time is now. This life is for me to create however I want. And I really like to see the times that I've had fun. I'm really I'm really blessed to still have a family. I know not everybody has good family members, but I'm really close to my parents and my sisters. So yeah, I start the morning doing what I want to do, looking at things I like. I like take a walk in the park. I'm a pothead, you know, just things that feel good, and then I feel settled, and then I can look.
I mean, look at all these stuff I have to do today. I got like my list app list, but then I could do it because I start feeling solid. I don't operate at a deficit. I like, yeah. You have to start with a full tank of gas before you leave the house.
Naomi Haile
Yep, absolutely. For you right now, you've been to Mexico City a few times before, choosing it as your home. How has being in a new environment and settling into this new? How much of the formula is your environment and where you are for your wellness and your advancement?
Bea Arthur
Actually, been surprised at how much of an unlock it's been, you know. I love New York very deeply. It's, I mean, a big part of who I am. I couldn't have done everything I've done without there. I miss it. I miss my friends. It really worked for me in a lot of levels. However, I mean, you know, I mean, it's just a lot going on. It's, you know, you work hard, you party hard, you play hard, you know, and I first of all had to do it for for money.
Like they had raised my rent again. Shout out to Harlan, but Harlan was getting ridiculous. And I needed to lower my expenses, and I needed needed to lower my stress level. You know, writing is really hard. It's very expensive. I decided to self publish. I also decided to do it as an audio book because I think I'm more improv than like stand-up writing because you know talking is easier than writing for me and yeah just again quieting out the noise and also just I feel I hate to say it I feel more like a white man because the dollar goes a lot further so again I'm not in survival mode like in New York you know you can still do a lot, but it just most of your time you have to work a lot to to afford a living there.
And I can work a lot less, so I have a lot less consulting contracts. I just get to like consult, take my clients, and write my book. Also, like you feel like delighted, like you can go out and like have a nice breakfast in a cheap cab and not spend more than $30 a day, so I feel comfortable. You know, like to be millennials aren't financially comfortable. Like you can make $200,000 a year in New York and still be living paycheck to paycheck, and not have savings, not be able to grow.
You know, and that's the problem when you aren't surviving when you can't grow. So there's just a I have a. Lot more room in my mental energy, my physical body, to create. So the book is actually coming much faster since I've been here than it was when I was in New York.
Naomi Haile
And for you mentioned one principle from the book, the first
Bea Arthur
one.
Naomi Haile
As you were, what was your process? Because now books are such a special thing, I will say. You know, consulting with one of the leading celebrity ghostwriting companies, I've had my fair share of book projects and just putting pen to paper. For you, what has that? I lost my question.
Bea Arthur
No, about writing the book. Well, first of all, I want to say shout out to Pollyanna Reid. She's the reason we know each other. Top ghost writer, celebrity ghost writer. She has amazing talent. That's how you and I met. Yeah, I
Naomi Haile
actually stopped you at Penn Station, and I was like, "Hey, you don't know who I am, but I when if I see somebody's face, I will always remember it. And I saw you, and I came up to you, and I'm like, "Hey, B, we need to know each other. I love the work that you're doing. And then
Bea Arthur
here we are. We're friends. And shout out to Naomi. Stop people on the street. Like New York is for people who want to connect, right? We're not the booties. We're not in the suburbs. It's for people who want to connect. And Naomi turned my day around, y'all. Like I said, when you're in New York, you're always in your head. You're always thinking three steps ahead. And I was like fussed about something, and she stopped me.
And I was like, Oh, hello. Oh yeah, Pollyanna. Again, you have to add things to your life, right? Don't operate at a deficit. Add things to your life so you can get back to solid ground, right? And I love talking people deep in my heart. I just love people so much. I love young girls doing their thing, you know. So he really stopped and delighted me. You're like, oh, I really like your work. And again, like I think badly about my work at this time.
So when you're somebody well about my work, so after that, I'm willing to do anything for you. And also, you're so smart and like capable. Like I like my favorite feeling is to be impressed, and she's a very impressive woman. So shout out to the Power Podcast.
Naomi Haile
Thank you, B. I appreciate that. Where I was going with that was around your principles in the book, and actually learning from your own life experience to impart wisdom and just, I guess, be a possibility model for people who want to do things a different way.
Bea Arthur
Yes.
Naomi Haile
And so, can you tell us a little bit more about the principles in your book?
Bea Arthur
Yes, essentially it is a self-help book and a self-empowerment book. And my goal is to, you know, especially from a therapy perspective, a lot of our work is about healing, you know, and a lot of people have been hurt by things people have said to them. And I need your own inner voice to be much louder than what anybody else has said, you. I unfortunately have seen people in their 50s and 60s who still operate as their childhood wounded self or their teenage wounded self, wounded self.
You know, when they weren't getting respect in their career or their marriage, it still influences how they move through the world in their 50s and 60s. So, like we say, prevention is profit. Anything that I think most pain is preventable. You know, as humans, we do have to learn through mistakes. A lot of people learn in school, but most people learn in error. So we are going to learn mistakes. We are going to love the wrong people.
We are going to go down the wrong path. But there's ways to avoid it. And so one of the principles that I really believe is called data, not damage. It takes people a long time to recover from insults, setbacks, but it's just data. Now I know. Now I can make an informed decision next time. You know the thing about therapy. You know we don't want to advertise, but it takes a long time because people maturing is unlearning, and people will repeat the same patterns, the same habits.
You know, and they don't realize that they're the problem, right? Like you, you can run into the same problems in Mexico than you can in New York than you can in Ethiopia, and it's you, right? Like you can't blame other people after a while. So you really have to know thyself, and also just feedback is so valuable. Like I'm not one of those people who gets defensive anymore because I'm glad when I get to learn so I can be better.
You know what I mean? I poof, I mean, like it's a, but overall, that's a really big one. Consider it data, not damage. Like for example, my my dad is for obviously in Ghana, and when he came to America, um, 1980 s Texas. This is before the Equal Employee Opportunity Act. They could tell you to your face, which they did to my father. You know, James, you're great, even though he had two PhDs in public health. They're like, God, you're James, you're really great, and we want to hire you, but you're black and you have an accent, and they could tell you that before.
Now it's illegal. I don't actually. Maybe it's the opposite. I think they took OEDI. So, so because my dad was raised in Ghana, he didn't have that much experience with racism, so it didn't damage him as much as it would have if he was a child and where he had to understand. Oh, it's bad to be black and have an accent. He was like, oh, instead of like I'm bad because I'm black. He's like some white people are racist.
So guess what? My kids aren't gonna have an accent. So I have a white girl accent. Hey y'all, and nobody can tell over the phone. Nobody can tell. They're like, "Be Arthur, I love your work. I'm like, "Thank you. And unfortunately, even though I don't speak my parents' tribal language, I do speak Spanish, so I don't speak. Which is our tribe, and I have a posh or proper accent where people been like, "You're so articulate, because they are surprised.
Because guess what, my dad was like, "That's not going to happen to my kids. So just everything is a lesson. Everything is a lesson. Nothing should be a deal ender or the end of your story. It's just part of your story. It's not the whole story. I always tell people, "Listen, this is just a station, not the destination. You know, like get off, look around, smell the air, feel what you're supposed to feel about failure or marriage.
You know, even good things can you? We change in relationships. Really spend some time there, but don't spend all your time there. The world is waiting for you. Get back on that train and go where you want to go. Go wherever you want to go. Yeah.
Naomi Haile
Period. Yeah.
Bea Arthur
It makes so much sense to me. Do what you want to do, ladies.
Naomi Haile
Yeah. Once you start exploring the world, you realize how large it is and how many different experiences are available to you. You know. Speaker 2 46:00 Exactly.
Bea Arthur
Meet other parts of yourself, you know, and that's why I'm so excited for this. It's been, it's like not easy, right? Like I used to be able to say I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a therapist, and I'm like, well, you know, I'm a writer. Is your book finished? No, you know what I mean. Like, oh, I live in Mexico. Do you speak Spanish? Ah, you know, like halfway there, you know. But I have to embrace the mystery. You know, I am looking forward to meeting this side of myself.
The dominant girl boss was. I did that for a long time, but there's other parts of me that want their time in the sun, and they deserve that time to develop too. You know, so I don't have all the answers right now. Yes, I'm a powerful creator, but I'm a co-creator in this life. You know, and there's other people I need to meet, experiences that I need to have. Welcome that you don't have to be in control of the whole story.
I feel so much better since I took my hands off the wheel. Sometimes Jesus takes the wheel. Sometimes Beyonce takes the wheel. Right now, Naomi is taking the wheel in this ride, and I'm glad to be in the passenger princess. Sometimes I'm I'm with it. I want to go wherever life wants to go. Yeah,
Naomi Haile
I love this for you, and I really, I really hope that people hear this conversation and just explore other parts of them. Speaker 2 47:10 Yes, and are okay. Some of the greatest advice Pollyanna has given me a lot of advice, but one of her specific pieces of advice for me was it's okay to get messy, especially as someone who's like prim and proper, like I like to do things a certain way. But she, I feel like that piece of advice really freed me from feeling like I need to do things a certain way, and I've learned so much.
Like that was six months ago, and I've learned so much. I've grown leaps and bounds. I've grown my business because I was okay with it being messy and not having all the answers. You know, Speaker 3 47:51 yeah.
Bea Arthur
I think all of us, men and women, could benefit from performing less. You know, especially building out loud and you know announcing on LinkedIn, or I'm thrilled to announce whatever. You don't have to have a clean answer at every stage. You need the cocoon part. You need the figuring out part. You need the messy montage in the movie. You need the third act. That's how you learn. So don't be so hard on yourself. You know, learn from it and move forward.
Yeah, just allow yourself to be more than this limit. You know, that that's why I've seen successful people really struggle the most, just kind of limiting to themselves to like, why have to be this way? You know, what if it could be a little, you know, two standard deviations more? You know, you might like it better.
Naomi Haile
There's um, so that concept even around um, I really want to ask this question before we wrap up around people almost being like commodities, you know. This idea that, and this is really part of the system that you are a brand, you're a product, you need to be optimized, you know. So, like personal branding is one example of that. Like constantly working, turning your hobbies into side hustles, feeling like you're always on, like there's no off button.
What was your process of
Bea Arthur
unlearning self commodification? There you go. We got there. See, when you help each other, you know what I mean. We got there. Get there together. Yes, that was a really big thing for me that I'm grateful, and I'm still learning and releasing. One of the best things that happened is you know when your startup is starting to sunset, right? You are doing everything to save it, waking you know just like busy, even if you're not productive, just doing you're desperate.
And my biggest fear was like if I wasn't this you know mental health mogul, then that was my whole thing. That was that was my whole thing, and I was at a party one day, and I saw an investor who I'm friend. They had passed on me, but we stayed friends socially. And I said what I was working on, and I think I was just trying to do the difference as a nonprofit or something. Like it was on its last legs, like fumes. And she was like, "Oh, you're still doing the difference?
I thought you stopped doing that. And at first, I was like, "Oh no, this it confirmed my big." Fear that people knew it had failed. They knew I had failed. It wasn't what I had promised or what I had imagined, but we were still at the same party. It didn't stop any meetings. You know what I mean. Randomly, people were still sending me things like I was the value, not the company. You know, like my fear was that nobody would like me, nobody would believe in me.
They would think I was a loser. I was still getting invited out, and people thought I had would done what the difference for months. I had been hiding out. I had been hiding myself from the world. Shout out to Drake, you know, like because I was like, I can't leave until I'm perfect and I'm ready and I've you know you know redeemed myself. Nobody wants that for me, you know. Like I'm a good time. People know that I'm going to be fun.
I'm going to be nice. I'm going to have some therapy. We're going to have some laughs. And even if, like, I'm not here to give people stuff, imagine put me on site to just perform and show off and get press. That and that's not what anybody wants for you. The people that love you don't want that for you. The people you're performing for do. And guess what? It'll never be enough for them. It'll never be enough for them.
So stop trying. Like the people that you're enough for, spend time there. You can nourish them. You can grow from there.
Naomi Haile
This is really good for people who are defining themselves by a past failure or like a betrayal or just a misfortune that's happened in their life. What would you invite them to do in like the next 30 days?
Bea Arthur
Good question. So we have several exercises for this in the book because it is a part of life. If you, I believe that if you are a powerful person, the road will not be easy, right? And yes, there's general advice, but there's some things you have to figure out on your own, right? So you have to say like, what is the blessing in this? What is the lesson in this? So again, it is not the end of your story; it's part of your story.
And I think that you know, when I was a therapist, people used to always take it as almost like a backhanded compliment when people would be like, "Oh, everything happens for a reason like oh my mom got murdered
Naomi Haile
for a
Bea Arthur
reason or like you know I was abused for a reason and and people especially Americans misinterpret that it's not everything happens for a good reason it's like some things happen so that other things can happen you know now that this has happened, I know that I can never be with a man who treats me like this. Now that this has happened, I know I never want to, you know, have a huge company. I'll always be an entrepreneur.
I don't need to have Facebook level empire. I don't want that life anymore. Now I know this. So you have to ask yourself, what am I willing to let go of so that I can make room for more things? Right? Think that chapter, but close that book. There is so much more for you ahead. You know, like stop looking back there. You can't take that stuff with you where you're going. You know, but think it. You did your best with the information that you had at the time.
That was you who did that. You chose it. If you're a powerful person, you chose that, and you can choose something else. Give yourself another chance. Life is a whole bunch of chances. So yeah, don't let yourself be defined by that time. Think it and let that bitch go. See you later, kiddo. You know I got growing to do, and that's
Naomi Haile
that. Yeah. Every time you say you, you, you. I'm like, dang! I feel like you really talking to me right now. And I think everyone listening, you know, with level 10, I've been.
Bea Arthur
It gets better. You do not. I've been there, and you do not have to stay there. God doesn't want you to stay there. Last thing I'll say when I talk about the matriarchy, because I'm pretty feminist. I really love women, and I and I want our respect and appreciation. And you know, I was raised in the church, and it always, you know, that's why I don't respect rules so much. That's why I'm just always going to do what I want.
Like we talk about the Constitution. I'm not in the Constitution. Black people were like literally a fraction of the Constitution. Why I got to listen to it and pay taxes? I don't believe in that. Right. Same thing with like the Bible. Like women were not allowed to like be people in the Bible, there's so great stories, but one of the things that has always put me off is that you know it's the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, right?
But the Father, the Son, and the Holy Mother was right there. How different would it be if we prayed to a Holy Mother to instead of a Holy Father, right? Shout out to the Catholics, like because instead of fasting, a a a mother, a woman, God would never ask me to fast during a tough time. She would feed me. She would show me love. She would relentlessly show me love. That's what my mom does for me. That's what the women in my life do for me.
There is no proving yourself or fasting or suffering through it. And suffering is good. That's not. And so a lot of it is love. Like really take a bath in love. Whatever feels like love, spend more time there, and you will be able to hear things more. Because when you're in a space of scarcity, of struggling and suffering, like it just takes a lot longer to get down there. And unfortunately, you do ingest some of those beliefs about yourself.
I don't deserve this much. This is my fault. You know. Versus when you're in the. Loving, embrace of a mom in the community. They just want to feed you, but you feel better, so you can get up again. Exactly. So I pray. Exactly. Beautiful.
Naomi Haile
It's soulful. Yeah. It's um. And honestly, that's what life is all about. And um, I love that you at the beginning use the word delightful. Like when I think about, um, even when I think about business. When I think about my relationships, I always think about what are ways that you can delight people in ways that maybe they're not expecting, right? And so I love the idea of bringing that back to you as well, delighting yourself, taking yourself on dates, whatever it is,
Bea Arthur
we have a good time in here in this body. I'm wearing flowers. I'm wearing. We have a good time in B Arthur in headquarters. Yeah, do more stuff that makes you happy. I mean, that's literally the whole point. Nobody else is going to do it for you.
Naomi Haile
This is great. Thank you, B. I'm really looking forward to your book. I'm looking forward to everyone here who has had the pleasure of listening to this conversation. Definitely, we will have links to everywhere that you can find B online and where you can connect with her work. Where do you enjoy most online? You mentioned Pinterest earlier, but what is the best place for people to connect with you?
Bea Arthur
Yeah, shout out to Pinterest. Get rid of the AI so I can enjoy it more. But yeah, my website is beaarthurtherapy.com. I take a couple clients, but I also have a great network of therapists. If you're ever looking to do this work and and figure out this messy middle, that's my main website. And then of course we have theWhiteManWithin.com. Please join my email list. I also started making content to grow my audience outside of the startup world.
On and I'm the White Man Within on all channels: TikTok, Instagram, and YouTube. I took a pause to move, but I'll be starting making content again soon. And yeah, just hit me up if you ever want to have a conversation about like living beyond your limits. You know, the book is still being written, so I'd love to interview you, learn from you too, and yeah, just learn together and keep growing together. So thank you so much for listening to this wonderful interview.
Thank you to you, Naomi. I love you so much. I'm so proud of you, and I'm really glad we got to spend this time together.
Naomi Haile
I'm so happy. Yeah, I love you too, Pee, and enjoy your time in Mexico, my girl. I definitely need to make the trip out there. Enjoy your fresh fruits, your fresh orange juice, and the sun.
Bea Arthur
And everybody's sexy here too.
Naomi Haile
Thank you, Bea, and thank you everyone for listening to this episode of the Power of Why podcast. We will catch you in the next
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